I can’t date you because I’m broke.

Over the last couple of days I’ve had a lot of messages from men on both Plenty of Fish and OkCupid. More than usual. I am still getting the sex requests and the occasional penis picture but they for the most part they are easily ignored, blocked, deleted.

Some of the men I’ve received messages from actually do seem like they could be decent. That being said, I’ve picked them apart in some way where I’ve deemed them not worthy.

  • I don’t like their pictures.
  • They spelled too many things wrong in their profile.
  • Take your damn sunglasses off for once!
  • You live to far away.
  • You make too much money.
  • You’re too good-looking………….

Wait a second here… those last two I listed jolted an epiphany. Too much money and too good-looking has NOTHING to do with them being worthy……but has ALL to do with if I think I am worthy of them.

As most people try to do, I show people the real me. I’m often told I’m funny, sexy, out-going and people just don’t understand how or why I’m single. I’ve even had messages from guys on the dating sites asking why I’m on there since I’m obviously not unfortunate looking. I always reply that being a single mom and working full-time doesn’t allow for me to meet people the usual way. (What exactly is the “usual” way nowadays?)

I think I’ve figured it out. It all really does come down to worth. Not personal worth, but financial.

I’m sure it will come as no surprise to any one who reads this but divorce can be expensive.  Especially when you allow your ex to use your credit cards (that only have your name on it) and rack them up. It was fine when you were together and he made payments….but can you guess what happened when you split? ……yeah. Then add at that time I had just gone back to college to start a new career while managing two kids and a house. Do you think those credit cards got paid? Absolutely not. I’m quite embarrassed about it.

What I have circling in my head right now is that perhaps I’m not giving decent men a fair chance because I think I’m not worthy financially. Will they think I’m a bad person because the mountain of debt I have with a possible bankruptcy in my future. It’s almost like I’m waiting for myself to be in the black before I can give a decent guy a chance.

I posed a question today to a man I had met online who I still talk to. Strangely enough he’s actually a financial planner.

I asked, “Would you date a woman knowing she has a mountain of debt of which she will most likely have to claim bankruptcy even though it in no way will effect you?”

“Of course.”

“Really?”

“But I couldn’t get too serious about riding off into the sunset with somebody that insists on ending up broke. I would have to see some changes.”

And there it is…my fears materialized right in front of my eyes. It was my own stupidity that got me in this mess so it’s not like I meant for it to happen. Despite bankruptcy I will still own my house, still own my car, still have a job and everything else that is good. It will still be a black mark or a red flag for some people. I guess the first person who needs to learn to get passed it is me.

Perhaps this warrants an experiment: Create a profile airing my dirty laundry but on a positive note and see what kinds of responses I get. (Probably list myself across the country though. lol)

Thoughts and comments welcome!

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8 Comments

Filed under Dating, Love, OKCupid, Online Dating, POF, Single

8 responses to “I can’t date you because I’m broke.

  1. Matthew Chiglinsky

    That’s interesting. I thought it was only poor men who couldn’t date. Just to clarify, is it that you’re worried a man won’t want to end up helping you pay for your debts?

    I thought mainly what a man wants is a warm body, preferably without clothing. Dating isn’t about love. Friendship is about love. Dating is about sex. People just don’t realize it. If you want long-lasting love without games, find a friend of the same gender or find a man who’s not attracted to you. There’s an old song on the radio that goes, “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. From my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.” Reverse it for a guy.

    • No, I wouldn’t want or expect a man to pay my debt. I do fear that a man would perhaps feel my debt as a burden since building a future would be more difficult since I now have the debt and bad credit.

      Wasn’t always the case since I bought my house when I was 21 years old, by myself. Not many people can claim that. 🙂

  2. Matthew Chiglinsky

    Oh. I don’t know what I’m saying, by the way. I know nothing about relationships except two extremes:

    When I was a child, I was taught that money and sex are irrelevant to love.
    As an adult, the world around me seems to be obsessed with both money and sex.

    I don’t know which one is right.

    • When you’re a child the only love you should know is from a parent…which is supposed to be unconditional….where sex and money shouldn’t play a part.

      As an adult, money and sex play a huge since too many people enter into and stay in relationships out of convenience. I’ve done it, twice. Although the second time I thought it was for the right reasons….but alas, he used me and I stayed for way too long.

      I personally believe that love does not exist. Perhaps a strong sense of contentment does for a short time…but love? For the birds. 🙂

      • Matthew Chiglinsky

        I’ve thought for a long time that love is simply survival instinct, which basically means that people love each other out of desperation, when they’re struggling to survive, physically or emotionally. The problem with modern society is that we have so much technology and infrastructure that we don’t need people anymore. So, instead we love machines, and we lose track of what real love used to be.

      • Matthew Chiglinsky

        I agree, though, that what most people call “love” is just a fantasy.

        But life is so cold that sometimes I think I want to indulge in fantasy to avoid becoming completely depressed, as long as that fantasy is safe.

        It’s funny. Do you remember pretending, acting out fictional scenarios (like a tea party with dolls) when you were a child? Adults pretend too. It’s just more subtle, and they don’t admit it.

  3. I would absolutely like to indulge in that fantasy. Sadly I’m not naive so unless the person can constantly engage me in intriguing conversation and is sexually satisfying then it wouldn’t last very long. Most men would find me exhausting if they were to trying to keep up with both. 🙂

  4. Pingback: Part 2 – The One Who Got Away | Another Single Woman's Blog

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